The Fairy Tale Queens

Fairy Tale Queens

©2006 Holly Hunt

CAST:

BEAUTY (Princess – Ugly – 19 years old)

WITCHY (Witch – Pretty – 40 years old)

CINDERELLA (Princess – Average – 18 years old)

SNOW WHITE (Princess – Average – 16 years old)

GODMOTHER (Young, pretty)

TOM (From Tom & the Dragon)

STACIE (From Tom & the Dragon)

BEAUTY is lying on the stage. SNOW WHITE and WITCHY enter stage left. All dressed like princesses. Chatting about nothing in particular. WITCHY trips over BEAUTY. Sprawls on the floor and looks around at BEAUTY.

WITCHY:       Ow! Who put her there?

SNOW WHITE crosses her arms and blows a bubble in her gum.

SNOW WHITE: Not me. I have nothing to do with Beauty. Not since the Godmother put her to sleep that long ago.

SNOW WHITE turns to front of stage. Notices audience.

SNOW WHITE: You must be the people that Peter and Tom were talking about. How are you enjoying your day so far?

Response from audience.

WITCHY:       That’s good. Anyway, I’m Witchy, Snow’s mother.

WITCHY pulls out an apple and hands it to SNOW WHITE. SNOW WHITE looks carefully at it. Puts it down carefully on the floor and steps away.

WITCHY:       Somewhere around here is Cinderella. This is Snow White, my daughter. She was living with the dwarves, but they threw her out. The immovable lump is Beauty. Which is quite funny, as she’s quite bad to look at. We’re all here because we heard there is a really good play coming up soon, and we need a new form of entertainment. Playing poker all day everyday is not good for our bank accounts.

CINDERELLA walks on stage. Waves to people in the audience. Skips to the front of the stage and blows kisses to the audience.

CINDERELLA: Oh, they love me, they really love me!

CINDERELLA wipes away a tear. SNOW WHITE blows bubble from gum and shakes head. Holds her hand up at shoulder height.

SNOW WHITE: [obnoxiously] Get over yourself, Cindy.

WITCHY: [to audience] They do this all the time. It’s quite sad, really, seeming as I am the fairest in all the land.

WITCHY flicks hair over her shoulder. SNOW WHITE snorts.

SNOW WHITE: [obnoxiously] You wish, mother. The mirror said I was the fairest in all the land!

WITCHY laughs.

WITCHY:       [obnoxiously] And that snort is the reason he changed his mind.

SNOW WHITE: It’s a mirror. It doesn’t have a mind.

CINDERELLA slinks off stage, trying to look innocent.

WITCHY:       Don’t let him hear you say that.

SNOW WHITE: Why?

CINDERELLA slinks back on stage holding a mirror.

WITCHY:       He’s your father.

CINDERELLA: [giggling] Your dad’s a mirror!

CINDERELLA points at SNOW WHITE, cradling mirror to her chest. Falls to the floor laughing. SNOW WHITE turns to her.

SNOW WHITE: [as though to a small child] Cindy, your dad’s a pumpkin. I wouldn’t laugh at me if I were you.

CINDERELLA stops laughing and stands up. SNOW WHITE smirks.

CINDERELLA: My dad’s not a pumpkin, Snow. He’s a turnip. There’s a difference.

CINDERELLA looks away from SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE: [giggling] Yeah. About three pounds.

WITCHY stands in between SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA. Holds her hands out to the side.

WITCHY:       That’s enough, girls. Now. [Ominously] We’re here to tell the story of why Beauty will never wake up again.

CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE stand and stare at WITCHY. Both start laughing at her.

CINDERELLA: [giggling] That’s a good one.

SNOW WHITE: [giggling] Yeah, tell us another.

CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE laugh again. WITCHY turns her back on them and faces the audience.

WITCHY:       It happened on a bright and sunny day, just like this one. You all know the story of Beauty and the Beast, don’t you?

Wait for audience response.

WITCHY:       Well, after the Beast turned into the prince, he threw her out of the castle. Couldn’t put up with her constantly spying on him all the time, he said.

CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE recover from their laughter. They stand either side of WITCHY.

SNOW WHITE: She lost all trace of life. She tried to go after Prince Charming, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with her. Something about her and him in high school. She even tried my prince, but he would have nothing to do with her and her strange ways either.

CINDERELLA: She was devastated when even Rumplestiltskien wouldn’t date her. It was horrible. She wouldn’t eat, sleep or talk to anyone. She locked herself away in a tower and spun wool all day and night. She even made us all a dozen woolly sweaters each. In summer.

WITCHY:       By the end of it, we were about to break into the tower and stuff some food down her throat. She looked like a rake and she was grouchy all the time. It was a real bummer.

CINDERELLA: However, before we could drag her out of her depression, that fairy godmother thing appeared and put her to sleep for the last … what is it now, Witchy?

WITCHY:       Decade. She’s been lying here for the last decade, sleeping. And became the Beauty from Sleeping Beauty. I know she needs her beauty sleep, but it is getting ridiculous.

SNOW WHITE walks off the stage. Returns with GODMOTHER on tow.

GODMOTHER: I heard you complaining about me, Witchy.

GODMOTHER bursts into tears and runs off stage. WITCHY follows.

GODMOTHER [off stage]: What did I ever do to you? It was Cinderella I helped!

WITCHY [off stage]: You cursed me!

GODMOTHER [off stage]: I cursed Cinderella, not you!

WITCHY [off stage]: No, you landed Cinderella with Prince Charming. I got turned into an ugly, old witch!

CINDERELLA laughs. SNOW WHITE rolls BEAUTY off stage. CINDERELLA walks off the stage, still laughing. SNOW WHITE stands in the middle of the stage. Points after CINDERELLA and WITCHY. Makes a swirling motion near her ear with a finger. Walks off stage after them, laughing. TOM enters from stage right. Dressed with helmet, one shin guard and one glove. Has a sword in his hand.

TOM:              Anyone seen a dragon lately?

Wait for audience response.

TOM:              No? Drat.

TOM lowers his sword. Stands up straight.

TOM:              You haven’t seen Witchy around, have you? She’s been after me for the last week. I think she wants to talk to me or something.

WITCHY enters from stage left. TOM glances at her and looks again. Waves to the audience and runs around stage. WITCHY follows him.

WITCHY:       Come back, Tommy!

CINDERELLA slinks in.

TOM:              Get away from me, you crazy woman!

TOM runs into CINDERELLA. Both fall to the floor. WITCHY stands in front of TOM.

WITCHY:       Tommy! Why were you running? Ask me to masquerade ball! You know Stacie’s not going. Ask me! The godmother said you would, and magic is law!

WITCHY pulls TOM to his feet. TOM smiles and faints. WITCHY sulks and looks at the audience.

WITCHY:       Men! [Smiles] [Dramatically] Tommy-o, Tommy-o, where for art thou Tommy-o?

TOM stands up and opens arms to her. WITCHY smiles and moves forward to hug him. TOM grins, takes a step forward and runs off stage. WITCHY follows TOM, calling out for him. CINDERELLA stands up and shrugs.

CINDERELLA: You have to love our family. We’re just so strange. Especially Aunt Witchy.

CINDERELLA leaves stage. SNOW WHITE carries a chair on stage and sits on it in the centre.

SNOW WHITE: Anyway, my story. A long time ago, in the old woods that used to stand where you sit, there lived seven little creatures that loved to dance. And then I moved in.

WITCHY appears behind SNOW WHITE. SNOW WHITE does not notice.

SNOW WHITE: The house they lived in was filthy. I set them to work cleaning their house and making themselves some proper food, because they were so thin. They kicked me out.

WITCHY picks up the chair SNOW WHITE’s sitting on. Dumps her on the floor and takes the seat for herself.

WITCHY:       Hi, my name’s Witchy, and I was almost murdered by my woodsman.

WITCHY pretends to cry. After a few seconds, peers through her fingers and looks at the crowd. Straightens up in seat as SNOW WHITE shakes her and and stands up. WITCHY shrugs.

WITCHY:       Okay, so I tried to kill Snow. Big deal. She was usurping my title of ‘Fairest of them All’. And I might have helped put Beauty in her sleep. But I haven’t done anything to Cindy! [Pause] Yet.

 CINDERELLA enters behind WITCHY. WITCHY huffs and folds her arms over her chest. CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE dump WITCHY off her chair.

CINDERELLA: The only reason I’m here is because Tom asked me to the masquerade ball. Witchy decided that I have to tell my story. I don’t want to.

CINDERELLA lifts mirror and adjusts her hair.

CINDERELLA: If you ask me, I should have been fairest of them all. Godmother gave me the dress, the shoes, the coach, the dancing skills –

CINDERELLA smiles at audience and stands up. Mirror seems to jerk in her hand.

TOM’S VOICE: To be fairest in this play,

Be good to all each day.

CINDERELLA looks from mirror to audience and smiles.

CINDERELLA: Don’t mind him. He talks in limerick all the time.

TOM’S VOICE: It’s not a limerick, it’s a rhyme.

CINDERELLA smiles weakly at the crowd and covers the mirror. Walks off stage right.

TOM’S VOICE [off stage]: Your clothes need washing, your hair’s a mess.

                        Next time buy a descent dress!

–

BEAUTY is lying in the middle of the stage. WITCHY and TOM appear from stage left. Both are dressed in clothes of better quality than previously. TOM looks very reluctant to be seen near WITCHY, and has his face covered with his arms.

 TOM:              Witchy, please. My wife may be watching!

 WITCHY grins and holds his arm very tightly.

WITCHY:       Nonsense, dear. I’m your new wife!

TOM yelps and tries to get WITCHY to let go. STACIE enters from other side of stage and stands at BEAUTY’s head. STACIE draws sword.

STACIE:         Unhand my husband, Witchy!

TOM looks relieved. He shakes off WITCHY and leaps over BEAUTY. Hides behind STACIE, looking out at WITCHY.

WITCHY:       Tommy, why do you run?

WITCHY starts forward and trips over BEAUTY. WITCHY lies on her stomach and taps her fingers against the stage, her chin in one hand.

WITCHY:       What is it with Beauty and being in my way? First the Seven dwarves, then the mice at the ball… I think she has it in for me. Even if she is asleep.

WITCHY pulls herself to her feet and brushes her dress off. STACIE stands with her hands on her hips.

STACIE:         What were you doing with my husband?

TOM:              You’re too old for me, Witchy.

STACIE:         [To Tom] Be quiet. [To Witchy] You’re too old for him.

WITCHY sniffs and starts to sulk away, off stage. Trips over BEAUTY again. WITCHY stands up, glares at BEAUTY and walks off stage with her nose in the air. STACIE turns to TOM, who smiles at her and waves. Tries to leave stage. STACIE grabs him and pulls him back.

STACIE:         Just what were you doing with Witchy?

STACIE advances on TOM. TOM steps back. Walks around BEAUTY until at feet. STACIE stands in front of him, so TOM is between BEAUTY and STACIE. TOM turns to run and trips over BEAUTY. Lands on BEAUTY, kissing her. STACIE glares at him and he gets up and runs off stage. STACIE follows him.

STACIE [off stage]: How dare you! I ought to – [fades out]

BEAUTY sits up and yawns. Clutches side.

BEAUTY:       My side hurts, though that was a nice sleep. What did I miss?

Gather for bow.